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Verbal violence - when words become sore

When you're fresh in love, it looks like happiness will never end.

You spend as much time together as possible, you smooch at every opportunity, you have cute nicknames for each other and you are simply charmed by your partner.

One cannot believe that such a perfect person exists.

But as the relationship continues, you realize that not everything is as perfect as it looked at first glance.

You learn that your partner is also just a person with rough edges, but we have that too and that doesn't mean that we don't like and love each other anymore.

It is precisely because of this that we realize that this love is the right one, because we still love this person even though we now know that they are not perfect.

The first arguments and also the first quarrel slowly arise.

For the first time you don't just have nice words for each other. For the first time you say something that you regret later.

The first argument usually doesn't last that long and you try to reconcile as quickly as possible.

You apologize a thousand times and you try to do everything to make the situation better.

You convince your partner but also yourself that you will never behave like that again.

That we didn't mean it that way. And most of the time it is.

But not always. For some, it's a very short walk from the first argument to daily condescension, disrespect, and verbal abuse.

These people are victims of verbal violence.

If you don't know what psychological violence or emotional violence is, you can be happy.

Every fifth person experiences some kind of psychological violence.

Even if you haven't experienced it yourself, today you will learn how to recognize it.

Maybe you are the person who can help someone else.

How do you recognize verbal violence?

When you hear violence, the first thing you think about is physical violence.

One thinks of outbursts of anger, yelling and injuries. It is also much easier to spot such violence.

On the other hand, with psychological violence, it is not so easy to spot the signs.

Yes, arguments arise in every relationship.

But when the mood in a relationship is more often bad than good, one should ask oneself whether it is really a healthy and functioning relationship?

If it is normal for one partner to insult the other on a daily basis, if devaluation, insults and humiliation are a normal part of every conversation, then domestic violence is called.

One of the major problems of psychological violence is the consequences that the victim of violence can have.

It often happens that this person begins to really see themselves through the partner's eyes.

People who have been exposed to such violence for long periods of time begin to doubt their own worth.

Their self-esteem deteriorates and they start to believe that they don't deserve better either.

Often they are also afraid to talk to other people about their problems.

They are also not sure whether they really have a problem or whether they are just imagining it.

You begin to avoid contact with other people.

Sometimes they even quit their jobs and become even more dependent on their partner.

And that is precisely the aim of the perpetrator of verbal violence.

He wants to be the ruler in the relationship. He is not interested in equality in the relationship.

Sentences that are common in verbal violence:

You can't understand that anyway.
ZIP your lips!
I didn't ask you!
I do not allow it!
Look at you, who would find you attractive?
You are lucky that i want you
You're just imagining it.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Come on.
Do you think you can find someone better?
You are too sensitive.
Don't you understand humor

I suffer from verbal violence, what can I do?

Once you have realized that what you are experiencing are not normal relationship problems, but are a victim of psychological violence, it is very important to act as soon as possible.

Here are the steps you should take in such a relationship.

1. Say it is enough

The next time your partner starts using verbal violence, just tell them: No, I won't allow that anymore.

I've had enough of it and will go now. We can talk when you are ready for an eye-to-eye conversation.

Try to be very calm and say it without yelling or starting an argument.

If there is an argument, he just got what he wanted.

He provoked this reaction. Show him you know better.

2. It's time for re-empowerment

A very important step is to realize that you are not to blame for his behavior.

The worst thing you can do is believe him. If his insults become your beliefs, then you have a real problem.

You now have to find the strength to end this behavior and decide how and what to do next?

Try to make different plans depending on how he continues to act. Be ready for any possibility.

3. Find a conversation with him

When he's ready to have an open, respectful conversation with you, tell him how you are feeling.

Tell me how his behavior affects you and your relationship.

If he sees the damage his hurtful words have done and he apologizes honestly, you can try to save your relationship or marriage.

It is best to ask him if he would try couples therapy.

If he's really serious, and he really wants to change, if he's really ready to work on the relationship, he'll likely say yes to it.

If he refuses and after a short time goes the same way again, then it is time to take further steps.

4. Find someone you can trust

Yes, sometimes it is difficult to talk to other people about the problems you have in the relationship.

Psychological violence is not something that is easy to talk about either. But you have to confide in someone.

In the case of verbal violence, the perpetrator often tries to enforce a ban on contact.

He does not allow his victim to meet with friends or family, or at least control the victim's conversations and messages.

In such a case, it is even more important that you have a personal conversation with someone and that someone is familiar with your situation.

You can even choose a safe word with this person.

Something that has nothing to do with your situation so that your partner cannot understand what you are talking about.

You can then say this word in a casual conversation to the person you trust and he or she will know that you need help.

For example, the word can be a country like China and then you can ask: Did you hear what happened in China?

5. Be careful

Often verbal violence is only the first step towards physical violence.

That is precisely why it is very important that you have someone you believe in, whom you can trust.

If your gut instincts tell you that you are in danger, believe it, don't wait for physical violence to occur.

Pack a bag, take some clothes, some cash and your documents.

If you really don't have family members and friends to help you with who you can spend a few nights with, you should call the helpline for victims of violence and check beforehand where the nearest women's shelter is and you can look for help there .

6. Seek professional help

Even if your partner does not want to take part in couples therapy and they break up, this will be a difficult time for you and you should seek professional help on your own.

This is even more important when children are involved too.

Breaking up with children is inherently complicated and can be very difficult for the children.

It can have a huge impact on your whole life.

Professional help also means alerting the police if necessary.

Verbal violence falls under the criminal offense of domestic violence.

You have the opportunity to get a protection order according to the Protection Against Violence Act.

Do not be ashamed to seek this help. Nothing is more important than your wellbeing.

Verbal violence can be found anywhere

Verbal violence does not only occur in love relationships.

It can also be found in other relationships, such as the relationship between parents and children.

Parents who neglect their children, who berate their children for every little thing, who do not show love and affection for the children, or those who abandon their children are perpetrators of psychological violence.

Verbal violence can also be experienced among colleagues in the workplace.

Gossip, sexist remarks, or taking advantage of one's senior position to humiliate a colleague are all forms of verbal violence.

Verbal violence between children is a very common form.

Laughing at looks, skills or status are just some of the forms of this violence among children.

It can be very dangerous, especially with children, as their personality and self-confidence are not yet fully developed.

It is very important to talk to the children about these possibilities.

Telling them that not all are good intentions and will be their friends.

It is important for the children to know that they should seek help and not bury their feelings.

A common phenomenon is that children who have been victims of psychological violence are later perpetrators of the same violence themselves.

This is precisely why it is important to deal with this problem in good time and to help these children deal with their feelings.


Although it does not leave physical wounds, verbal violence can have very serious consequences on a person's life.

It can completely destroy one's self-confidence and self-image.

If psychological violence occurs in childhood, it can be so influential that the victim later becomes the perpetrator because he or she has no other behavioral patterns.

Verbal violence is not always easy to spot, especially when looking at a relationship from the outside.

If you do notice it, you should definitely not ignore it and write it off as normal relationship problems.

A person who is a victim of verbal violence should not be ashamed to seek help.

Psychological violence is often only the first step towards physical violence.

Every day can be crucial and mean the difference between a happy life and abuse.

In such a situation the most important thing is to find your inner strength and enough, that stops now! accept.